It is pride month for the LGBTQ+ community. I have been gay as the day is long for as long as I can remember. I came out when I was 25 years old after I graduated from Weber State University.

God, I remember the torture I put myself through. The hate I had for myself. I remember one night in my apartment in Ogden. I don’t think I have ever told this story before. I remember being so down and so hopeless that I wanted to kill myself.

I was in my bedroom, and I don’t recall if any of my fraternity brothers were home that night. I had the music turned to a country station on my radio. I was crying and really just wanted to end everything. Yaa I had thoughts of suicide.

I am a wimp, so I was not going to blow my brains out. I didn’t even have a gun anyway. Besides, that sounded painful and what if I survived the shot. That would totally suck ass.

I didn’t have any drugs. I didn’t do drugs so that was out of the question. I didn’t have any prescription drugs and I am pretty sure aspirin wasn’t going to do the trick.

I decided I was going to take my car up to Pineview Reservoir. Just across the dam on the lake there was a tall sheer rock faced cliff on this hair pin turn before you go over the dam to come back down to Ogden. It was the perfect place for a self-inflicted car crash. I knew my Acura Integra could serve me well..

I decided I was going to speed in my car and if I could go fast enough, I could hit that wall hard, smash my car and hopefully kill myself. It would also maybe look like an accident so that my mother would not think I had killed myself.

I think about this planned event every time I drive over the dam and make the turn past where I was going to end things. And I am so glad that I did not end up doing it.

As I grabbed my keys on my dresser, a song from Alabama came on the radio and the volume seemed to increase. The song made me stop and really listen to the words. The song was called, “Angels Among Us.”

 I had never heard the some before. But I listened to every word, and I bust out bawling. I felt some higher power sent me this song to let me know people were watching over me and surrounding me with love.  I cried and I fell to my knees.

I did not leave my room that night. And I slept like a baby. I avoided removing myself from this life. A life I have loved. I life in which I have been loved and am still love every day. I am blessed with the best family that all love and support me. I am blessed with friends who build me up and make me want to be a better person.

I love who I am. I love me.