Who would have thought being single again after 25 years would be so awkward. Maybe even a bit uncomfortable. UGH. When you break up you think to yourself that “I am going to put myself out there and make all these friends. It is going to be way cool!” in reality, you become this shy person not knowing how to carry on a conversation with all of these people and you don’t know anyone.

I remember years a go that hosting a party or going to a party was a piece of cake. I was social. Kerry and I were great hosts. It was all so 2nd nature and comfortable. Now it is a whole different ball game and I am learning these social skills all over again. And I am learning them on my own.

My friends Dave and Steve came down from Eden and spent the weekend with me. I was so grateful to have them here. Dave really wanted to go to Bear Night at the Bar, Tryangles on Friday night.

I have only been out to this bar once late last year, after Kerry first left, with Dave. We stayed for a couple of hours, then we came home. This was going to be much different, and I am sure it was going to be crowded. It would also be my first outing after Kerry’s death. I was not sure what it would be like. If people I knew, would come up to me and give me their condolences.

As luck would have it, we did not go out. We spent an amazing evening out in the Garden Patio around the fire pit just talking. Dave invited a young friend of his, Josh, over to hang out. The snacks and drinks were great, and the conversation was even better. I cannot believe we stayed up until after 1 am. You know me, I am always in bed now by 9 pm ready to read my book and bed down with all 5 dogs snuggle around me in the bed.

Dave wanted to go to the Pride Festival on Saturday night. I have never in all my years experiencing pride in Utah, been to the downtown festival on any other day than Sunday. Kerry and I would go down after the parade, race through the booths and such, invite as many people as we knew back to the pool for our annual, large and proud Pride Pool Party.

Those parties were notorious or infamous, I have no idea what to call them. I just knew they were a lot of work. And they were a lot of fun. We would have nearly 100 people here dancing, drinking, laughing, and eating our burgers. We always cooked burgers and a great spread. Kerry loved it. He would be in the pool telling stories for hours.

The huka would come out. Our friend Shawn and sometimes Dart were in charge of that and we would smoke up a storm. After we got the little dogs, I would mostly stay up on the deck and watch them.

But I digress. The Festivities were a lot of fun. We ate from one on the food trucks and listened to the music from the groups up on the big stage. It was actually a very fun evening.

Sunday Morning, my friend Mitch, was hosting a brunch and I was invited. I drove down to his house on my own, music thumping in my truck and pulled up in front of his house. I wanted to make sure I attended so I could support him. He did an amazing job. The food was laid out like a professional spread at a local café. It was beautiful and it was fun to watch Mitchell move through the crowd so fast and efficient making sure everyone had enough to eat and drink. He had the biggest smile on his face.

As I was getting out of the truck and walking to the truck my confidence left me. This was the first time I had been to a party by myself after Kerry left or died. You pick. LOL. I knew no one. Well that is not entirely true. I knew them. I was just not close friends with them and really didn’t know how to interact with most of them. This is where my awkwardness kicks in. I was excited to be there. But to walk through the crowd on my own made me so self-conscious. For 25 years, I have been used to having Kerry at my shoulder to attend these types of events.

I stood there on my own watching all of these guys talking to each other, laughing, eating and having a great time. They all knew each other and were enjoying each other’s conversation. I am new and felt very much like an outsider looking in. No one made me feel that way. It was totally my own thoughts. I would sidle up to some of the guys I knew and smile and try to interact in their conversation or make an observation without being annoying or nosy. That was a big fear. I really did not want to offend anyone. I need friends.

Dave wanted to invite some people over to the pool after the Sunday festivities. I have not had people other than a couple close friends and my family at this pool for like 4 years. So this was going to be a big deal. I came home from my brunch and finished the décor set up on the deck. Putting up the umbrellas by the pool and taking a little nap. I do have to smile, because he asked me several times if I had invited anyone and I responded honestly. I don’t know a lot of people. This is what my life as been reduced to. My friend circle is very small now.

I may have said this before. An addict in the later stages isolates themselves from the rest of the world. They sit at home and literally do nothing but spiral down into their addiction. What is interesting is that those around the addict, like me, begin to isolate as well. You don’t even realize it! it happens and before you know it, you are without friends. I didn’t go out. It was all I could do after work to get up from my chair here in my office and get to the couch to spend the evening cuddled with my dogs. That was my life. Kerry accused me of cheating. um did he even fucking walk up the stairs?

We had about 20 people over. It was nice and relaxing and everyone was gone by 6 pm. Dave and Steve went home to Eden and I was able to have a nice quiet evening, snuggling with my dogs on the couch and going to bed at 9 pm. I am ready for a vacation from the weekend LMAO.

I will continue to put myself out there and socialize. it is a lot and I do retreat into myself for safety and comfort. This too shall pass. give me time 🙂