During this trip, I’ve been listening to the audiobook Red, White & Royal Blue and, now that I’m hooked, I’ve watched the movie on Amazon Prime twice.
It’s about the First Son of the United States and the Prince of England — enemies who fall in love and come out to the world together.

It’s tender, bold, and idealistic. And yes, I cried — more than once — as I was driving.
Thank God I was alone in my truck.

Somewhere between the laughter and the tears, I caught myself thinking, I want a romance like that.

I know it’s fiction. I know Hollywood polishes it for effect. But why can’t a 55-year-old gay man want something that real?
To be wanted, needed, seen.
To be desired and chosen.

That doesn’t seem like too much to ask.

The Josh Chapter

I had wanted to watch the movie with Josh, hoping maybe it would spark something in him — that maybe he’d feel what I felt listening to the story.

But even as I thought that, I knew.
My situation with Josh wasn’t anything like Alex and Henry’s. Not even close.
If anything, it was a reminder that I needed to listen to my gut.

Maybe Josh did me a favor by walking away. He showed his colors, and as much as it hurt, it was clarity I probably needed.

The In-Between Space

So now I’m sitting here, somewhere between wanting deep connection and wanting nothing complicated at all.

There’s a kind of freedom in admitting that.
Right now, I’m not chasing romance — I’m chasing laughter, touch, and a reminder that I’m still alive.

My friends David and Steve have been a bright spot through all this. They remind me that connection doesn’t have to fit anyone else’s definition. They told me I deserve better — and they’re right.

Finding My Way Back

This morning, lying in bed, I realized something:
I’ve spent so much of my life trying to earn love that I forgot what it feels like just to enjoy myself — to do what feels good without guilt or apology.

Maybe that’s my next lesson — to stop overthinking love and just start living again.

Even the dating apps feel less like a battlefield now and more like a playground. Not because I’m looking for forever, but because I’m open to the moment.

And yeah, Kerry, if you’re listening — that’s what I’m doing.
Not cheating.
Just breathing again.

Sometimes, that’s enough.

— Standing on the Edge