I don’t know why I did it. I let my stupidity get the best of me and I stuck with Josh. What a fucking stupid move that turned out to be. I would not say he broke my heart. I didn’t spend enough time with him to get my heart that involve. I would say my ego is more bruised than anything. Or maybe it was my hormones.

Although the sex was not that great either. It was……predictable. Always the same moves. Always the same position. And it was the position I hated the most! Him sitting on top of me riding me. Blah! Boring. I was going to try to spice this up a bit today. But before that could happen, he told me he was seeing someone that he hoped turned into a dating relationship.

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?! I sat on my couch and read the text. I responded to him calmly and said thank you for telling me. The guy is 45. so we will call him “45.” Josh met him a month ago and it seems things have been progressing nicely. Isn’t that sweet. FUCKTARD. Here I am over here thinking we are trying to see where things lead, still getting little to no time with Josh. Im supposed to be happy with what little I do get and all the while, he is over there dating “45.” Clearly he was able to make the effort to spend much more time with “45”.

The funny thing is that we were going on a date today to Park City. I wanted to go to the Park silly Market  Sit on the grass and listen to the bands. I even had visions of Josh sitting between my legs leaning on my chest while we listened to the music. I envisioned us walking around the market and taking a photo of us in leather cowboyish hats. And then a sitting down to a nice lunch. He was still going to let me take him. But he was not feeling very sexual. It was at that point, I knew something was wrong.

After he told me and I thanked him for his honesty, I canceled our date. I was not about to take him up there, waste my time and money on the little fucker only to have him, let me down gently. FUCK THAT. it would have been an uncomfortable and awkward ride home and I was not about to go through that. He said that was fair and understood and thanked me for my understanding.

MY UNDERSTANDING? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? IM GODDAMN PISSED! Why lead me on and let me think there is a chance when he is fucking “45.” I really wanted to tell him how shitty I thought that was and how shitty I think he is. Fucking coward. We talked nearly every day while I was gone on my trip to Montana. We even talked about Park City and prior to the drive up to Park City, Fucking the shit out of him or Making sweet love.I told him he could choose. He even joked about it back to me. There will be no more communication.

I should have listened to my mind, and my intuition that kept telling me over and over this kid is not worth it. The constant battle to get a scrap of time with him. The age difference. He is not worth it. I want an equal. I don’t want a child. And I could see the 27 year old characteristics in him that I knew I did not want to deal with. Maybe “45” likes that type of shit better than I do. I at least hope he treats “45” with a lot more respect than he showed me. No one deserves to be treated like that. Best of luck Josh.