Weird title I know.

Maybe I should just hang with my Sister and Brother-in-law and be done with it. I get along to well with them. My sister, Belinda is my Ride or Die!

But getting back into this dating scene after the whole fuck up with the last guy, has been less than exciting. I didn’t really date, didn’t really want to before then. Kerry had just died and the break up was still fresh. However, one thing I have come to realize is I suffer from a form of relational PTSD. No I am not military and no I have not been injured by an IUD. I have a lot of respect for our military and the dangers they face so please do not think I am making light of PTSD or military injury.

What I am referring to is my 25 year relationship with Kerry. I didn’t realize I lost myself in the relationship. I put so much effort into always making sure Kerry was OK, making sure Kerry was happy, I gave into all of his needs. He ran the relationship. Looking back on this now, seems funny because of my personality. I am a take charge Kinda person. But not in our relationship.

You see, if Kerry and I disagreed, or argued, or spoke harshly to each other, Kerry would get in his car and take off. And I mean it could literally be over anything. He would leave for any length of time from a couple of hours to several days. I would never know where he was or where he was staying. He would not respond to phone calls or text. and when he did finally respond it was with meanness. He could cut me to the quick.  He could say some of the harshest things. And I would let him. I would apologize and beg for him to come home. He never apologized for anything. I would sometimes see him drive by and stalk the house. I think it was to see if I was cheating on him. The answer was always NO.

Most of the time this would happen right before a big event. There have been numerous pool parties, fund raisers etc, where Kerry would take off and I was left to put a huge smile on my face and host the party. I would have to laugh and smile and fake my way through it. When I was asked where Kerry was, I would say he had to go help family in Idaho on urgent family business. LMAO. His family needed a lot of help.

Close friends and family knew the truth about what was going on – to a degree. But they didn’t know everything. I can honestly say I appreciate their support. They would jump in and help with whatever was needed while Kerry was off sulking and stalking me.

Fast forward now to dating. Dating in today’s world is all about texting. To me that is the weirdest concept. How are you supposed to get to know someone though a text?  I have never had a phone conversation with any guy yet. It is all text.

How does this relate to Kerry, my relationship and PTSFD? I have learned if a guy does not respond to a text I sent him, I fall right back into that stressed out, freaked out hurt guy from my past. I wonder if I have done something wrong. I wonder if I have gone too far. I wonder if I am not good enough or better yet, good looking enough. I wonder and I worry and I want to shrink into a corner with a glass of wine or several and crawl into depression. I’m fucked up for sure.

I never realized this was happening to me until Kerry and I were over. During our 25 years, I didn’t even realize this abuse was happening. I blame him a lot for that. When you are in the thick of things you cannot see the full picture. I couldn’t. I was in crisis management mode trying to salvage something stupid. Something that went on for far too long. I’m not a quitter so I dug in and mad it work to the detriment of me and my mental health.

Her is another example of his abuse. Kerry was the life of the party. He had a story for everything. He could make you feel like you have been his best friend for ever even though he had just met you. Everyone saw this side to Kerry. Everyone thought Kerry was the most sweet, kind, caring individual. And he was. . Everyone would laugh with him and joke. People would flock to him just to hear him repeat his stories. He would tell them with flare! I saw that side too

What people did not see was the side that came out the minute Kerry got back in the car. People did not see the Kerry who shut down. They didn’t see the Kerry who immediately quit talking even if I asked a question. People did not see the sulking Kerry who would go home with me and not say an another word the rest of the way home. As if I had done something wrong. It was the alcohol, I know. I didn’t realize how profoundly this behavior affected me.

I just took it in stride, not thinking, and would come home and pour myself another glass of wine. I know now I was hiding my own pain. I was hiding my own depression. I was hiding my own feelings of low self-worth. Sad.

I have always said I want to fix myself before I get into another relationship rather than take my baggage with me. Maybe I just need to pull back completely for a while and focus on me. Clean up me. Make me stronger so I can be strong and loving for someone else. Wait that last sentence made it sound like I want to lose myself in someone else again. That is the behavior I need to stop!

Now people who may read this, I am not saying these things to be derogatory towards Kerry. Kerr was also a very good person. It is what it is and he was to live with this realization now in the afterlife. I don’t say it so people feel sorry for me. I am saying to so I understand it. I recognize when I am being triggered and I act (not react) appropriately.

I am learning to give people the benefit of the doubt. And I am giving myself grace.