A wonderful dinner with good quality friends can be very theraputic. And this dinner was no exception. I went to dinner with a friend of mine going through a very similar breakup/divorce situation as mine was  with a couple of exceptions. Kerry and I were not married and his husband did not die, Other than that, very similar situations. LMAO.

We had dinner at one of my favorite sushi restaurants and we chatting about what has been going on in our fucked up lives. I gave him the run down on what all had transpired with Kerry. We started with the initial breakup, the impending lawsuit with judges. The quick settlement in my favor. We ultimate ended with Kerry’s death and the roll over crash in Kansas. I shed some tears talking. We both did.

Then I turned to my friend and ask him what was going on with him. His divorce took me by surprise. He and his husband had recently thrown their big summer pool party in their beautiful back yard. It was mere weeks after that he announce the split on social media.

I stepped out on a limb and I told him I always hated his husband because I could see he liked to run the show and was very pushy about it just like Kerry had been in our relationship. I always caved to what Kerry wanted. from the colors we painted in the house, to they type of cars we drove and the color of those cars. I kept my mouth shut and just wrote out the checks. My opinion did not matter.

Case in point, when I bought my latest Camping trailer that I totally love, he never wanted to see the inside of it. I had always assumed he would continue to go camping with me in the new fancy trailer. But because he was not part of the decision and ultimately didn’t sign off on the purchase, he refused to even step inside. When I asked him he finally said, “That’s your thing, not mine.”

Now I don’t know where “Thing” he was referring to was the trailer, or the actual camping because he always went camping with me in the previous trailer. We had a ton of fun in it. I don’t really care. Once he told me that, I made sure I personalized my trailer to my tastes and preferences. I love it. 🙂 His loss.

Which leads me back to my friend and his current situation. He husband is a shitty person and I told him such. I apologized for my boldness. it irritates the fuck out of me that we allow ourselves to become slaves to the relationship and not hold to our own values and self worth. His partner is dragging him and his good name through the mud. All out of spite. He knows he will not be able to be kept in the lifestyle he has become accustomed to with him friend. I just want to punch him for my friend.

So why the title of the article you ask?

I am scared. I don’t currently trust myself. I have anxiety about getting close to another person because of the past PTSD I experienced with Kerry. It becomes evident in trying to date Josh. I had not clue how to understand my feelings or thoughts. I gave into Kerry and withheld a huge part of me for the sake of keeping a failing relationship together for 25 years.

With Josh, I was willing to accepts his scraps of time. I had to be ok and happy with getting an hour here or an hour there. And I felt I could not say anything about it. The one time I did, I got put in my place. I became the whimp again. Passive and willing to put myself last. NO FUCKING WAY!

It made me think and Jake brought this to my attention when he said he is mad at me for the way I denigrate myself. It makes sense. So while I am working on myself, why not just have a fuck buddy or a friend with benefits, FWB?

I mean GOD, I have needs. Needs that have been shut down for so long that I feel like a 25 year old again with raging hormones. I FUCKING WANT SEX! I don’t have to be dating or in love with someone to have sex with them. Truthfully, it is probably for the better if I am not wanted to be involved with them because I have a lot of shit I need to do for myself. Clearly.

I would though, rather have a FWB than just a fuck buddy. I do like the connection and the friendship. when I watch guys on OnlyFans, (WHAT? QUINN WATCHES PORN? SHOCKER.) And I see they routinely hook up with their friends, I think Why the fuck can’t I do that.

I can separate the friendship from the sex act. I mean it is only sex. it does not mean I want to change the dynamic of our relationship. Not at all. There I said it! I am on the hunt for a FWB. Let it be known world.