I’ve cried quite a bit more lately over my thoughts of Kerry. I still hard sometimes to wrap my head around the fact Kerry is no longer on this earth. It has been over a year since we parted ways. But I still knew he was on this earth and I took comfort in that. I never hoped for any type of reconsiliation. I knew we were well beyond that point. And the thought makes me sad.

Everyone knew, including myself, Kerry was not long for this world. His health had been declining for quite a while. You could see it in the photos I would take and post to Facebook. Each one a little more frail.

I knew the minute he left my care, it would not be long before he died. I just didn’t expect him to die from the results of a roll over crash. But I knew his family would not take care of him because the past showed they didn’t when he lived in Idaho. He was a life that was cut way to short because of his drinking.

My long time/close friend Jake, came over last night to hang. It was totally impromptu and not planned. I had ordered pizza for myself and was planning a good night watching movies and cuddling with my dogs. I saw Jake on the Scruff App and hit him up to ask how he was doing. He asked how things were going with Josh. I responded and he told what a shitty person I thought Josh was for fucking “45” behind my back. He toldme to pour him a glass of wine and he would be at my house in 10 minutes. That is just the type of fiend Jake is.

We sat out on the kitchen deck overlooking my weedy, messy flower beds and the beautiful view of Mount Olympus. We talked for what seemed like hours. You know those friends or people in your life who are rock solid. No matter how much time has passed between the last time you spoke to each or the last time you hung out, you pick right up where you left off and continue as if no time had passed at all.

That is Jake to a “T.” I have known Jake longer than I was with Kerry. Jake was with me the night I met Kerry and was the instigator to get Kerry back to the Hottub at my roommate’s house. I owe Jake a lot. Or do I. Maybe I should be out for paybacks for the past 25 years. LMAO. Kidding.

Jake and I talked until late into the evening. I cherish those moments with friends. They are a Deep connection.

There is something lately making me cry nearly everyday over thoughts of Kerry. It may have started with seeing people I have not seen since Kerry passed and them expressing their sympathy and condolences. I had one person, out of concern, put their hand on my chest and asking how my heart was doing and if I was making it OK. I so much appreciated that gesture. She is a kind soul.

All of this renewed expression of sympathy made me relive the first few days as people were finding out Kerry passed and reaching out to me to check on me and see if I was OK.

I was not expecting to feel those emotions again. I thought I had grieved Kerry. I had actually said “good-bye” to Kerry in late June. I thought I had put the emotional portion to bed. I guess my heart, and soul are not finished grieving. So I have let the emotions come. I have felt them and I have acknowledged them.

I do miss Kerry. We had so many good times together. Until we didn’t. But I do remember all of the fun, all of our travels, and all of our good times. I will never forget those times.

I don’t know if I will ever find another love like I had in the good days with Kerry. I hope so. I am not going to count on it. I was completely burned as we know recently. But I am not going to dwell on that. I am moving forward. I am bettering myself both mentally and physically. It is time.

I am way overdue to get back to “ME.”