They say that the first year after a person dies is the hardest. You get to go through all of the “firsts” and feel the pain of their passing all over again. I could not agree more! I fucking Hate it.

Now I know many of you may say, “Come on Quinn, you were broken up. Why should you be crying in your beer/wine?” Sure that is true. Kerry and I were over way before he died. But, I knew he was on this earth and I knew he was alive. There is something to be said for that. You don’t know until you have been in my bed.

It started in Duck Creek. I thought I was doing well until a friend of the family, drunk as she was, came into my trailer and put her hand on my chest and asked sincerely how I was doing through her drunk tears. She was feeling pain for me and it started me to cry. FUCK ME. That is not what I wanted to have happen. God it makes me want to get a glass of wine right now and it is 8:43 in the morning.

She kept pressing me until I broke down. Once she left my trailer, I sat on my couch and cried. I could not go back outside with all the other people. That was my demise.

Not long after came Thanksgiving. Kerry was always in charge of the meal. He was a very good cook. I will give him that. He prided himself in his turkey and cooking the whole meal. We used to host what was called “Homeless Thanksgiving” for friend who either had no place to go or were not welcome home. Then we would have a party that night for all of those who did go home and now needed to drink

He would get up and pull the defrosted turkey out of the fridge. He  would then inject it with a sweet white wine and butter and put it in the roasting pan and put it in the oven. He would then set about making the rest of the meal with all of the favorites. He would even make me deviled eggs even though he hated them. (You know I am speaking about when times were good and Kerry had not yet become a raging alcoholic.)

Christmas was evening more over the top. Kerry, would always good beef Wellington and cook the entire meal. He loved to make his “poo poo platter” of appetizers. Everyone always love his stuffed mushrooms. He and I used to buy tons of presents for each other. But then realized we were just buying stuff for the sake of buying and decided to just do stockings for each other. That was much more fun. We have a 14 ft. tree in the corner of the living room. It was always decorated with all the ornaments Kerry would buy at various stores after Christmas when they were 75% off. We had a ton of decorations. I loved decorating.

But as Kerry started to decline, Christmas became a fight. Kerry would still do his meal up until about 4 years ago. then he would always leave. I would not seem him from Thanksgiving through New Years Eve. I would beg him to come home and he never would. I started to hate the holiday season and I especially hated my birthday.

I have started to cook the Turkey and have done it now the last 3 years. I have to say, they are turning out very good. I don’t do the “drunk turkey.” I use a brine and let it sit overnight. And I don’t use the oven. I use an electric roaster.

I do the Christmas Eve meal as well now that Belinda lives close. I don’t do beef Wellington. I do prime Rib in the roaster and it has turned out amazing every year. I am taking back my birthday also. although this year is a bit stressful and I have not really been in th mood for anything. But that is for another blog post.