Have you ever seen that “Will & Grace” episode where Grace is at the doctor and this young nurse is talking to her about getting her driver’s license? She looks at Grace and says “driving is hard” I don’t know why that memory came to mind but it did. Maybe I am just delirious after some sleepless nights and stress filled days.
That being said, Addiction is hard! Not only on the person dealing with the addiction, but for the family members dealing with the addict. That’s me.
I am not a very public person so this is hard for me to write about. I have struggled to even come to terms with writing about this and putting this out there in the universe. However, I promised myself I would write my story and, well, this is a very big part of my story. So here goes. God help me!
Addiction sneaks up on you and rears it’s ugly head. I say that, but addiction doesn’t happen over night. I know that. I watched it progress subtly with a few drinks here a few drinks there. Early on I realized I would never be the one at the party to” tie one on” and have a good time, but I needed to be the DD to drive home. I still had a good time at the party, but I knew i needed to be the least drunk one to get us home. Hosting Martini parties and pool parties, trips to the liquor store to stock up for the next always the consummate hosts to friends and having a blast. Passing out when the party is over. Clean up the next day. Life was built around drinking.
Flash forward – 2007/2008 the Housing markets crumbled and a few of us in the industry were left with little to sometimes nothing to do during the weekdays. So….lunch at our favorite restaurant ending up at our house in the pool for the afternoon drinking and floating. This was innocent enough. Life continued in this format for some time. How the hell we all made it through is beyond my understanding, but we did and we are here thriving, except…
Addiction, that silent sleeper creeps in. You never notice or are aware it is happening because it is so gradual. Sunday Church, as we call it, still happens at the pool, drinks all around but some one takes it farther. I get asked, do we need to take him inside? He is asleep floating in the pool. I casually say. ” His head isn’t below the water is it? then leave him” Nice huh?
More Sunday pool parties enjoyed with friends until you hear “GET OUT” shouted from the deck and you look at your friends and the excuses start and smiles and hugs and people start to leave, because that’s the understanding and they know it is time. Time after time after time.
Pool parties get smaller, invites to parties become fewer and when the invitations do come if they are too late in the evening we are unable to go because well….
Now addiction is gradual. You don’t think so? Read about it. It literally sneaks up on you. What you think is normal changes and morphs. You may think your life is normal, but it is not. To the outside world, your life is not normal at all. But I didn’t see that? I am leaving a lot of the day to day out here because it was normal.
The work week comes. I get up at 6:30, go to work. I get on with my morning. I go to lunch at one of our favorite places, have a glass if wine and go back to work and come home to my partner passed out on the couched or already down stairs “out” for the rest of the night. Normal. Not normal.
One such time, I was running a bath. I like to sit in the tub and read with a glass of wine. it is my relaxation time and allows me to unwind. The dogs lay next to me on the step watching over me to make sure I don’t drown. I know they worry about that. The tub is running and I am doing something around the house, i don’t recall and I think I hear yelling…. i listen closer and sure enough “Shut that fucking water off” What? Come to find out, i am in trouble for running the water too long. He is barely able to stand and I know he wont remember in the morning. I always know that outbursts like this will not be remembered by him in the morning. But I do. Normal. Not Normal.
Waking up early on weekends to sit quietly at my computer, drinking coffee, perusing facebook or other sites and remaining quiet so as not to disturb him and anger him. Normal, not normal. In the evenings I come home from work and be quiet, no talking because he is passed out on the couch, so I say nothing all evening. I sit on the couch, cuddled with my dogs and have my glass wine- most times more- and I sit in silence and watching TV. Normal, not normal. But I don’t think anything of it. I train myself to say that I LOVE to come home and relax, unwind, have glass of wine – most times more and that I am happy. Normal, not normal. It becomes so normal that there is no interaction with the outside world. My social life is work. Thank God for great a great work family.
Now I start noticing – 2016-current, changes in behavior, habits, sitting in the house doing nothing but drinking. Day in, day out. Worry sets in, fights starts as I try to help but I am rejected because “there is nothing wrong.” Really. hm. Weekends, I watch the day. pouring the first drink at 10:30 in the morning and there goes the day. Life doesn’t just because secluded in the evenings, but weekends too. Hell stay in your pajamas because we ain’t going anywhere. I start to seclude myself because it is easier and anxiety creeps in when we do venture out because our “normal” is withing the walls of the house. The outside is overwhelming. it because easier to stay in and not deal with the outside world.
Life gets to the point that I often start to wonder as I am driving home, ” will he be dead? Do I even care?” Yes i said it, “Do I care?” I play scenarios over in my head of, ” How will I react if that is the case?” Are you kidding me? How sad is that? Normal. Not Normal.
I would walk in the door. Our 4 dogs greet me and I come into the house to find him already on the couch, ball cap pulled down over his eyes, blanket wrapped around him, OUT. I am left to alone and I think to myself, “at least he is not dead today.” Sadness, boredom, loneliness creeps in. Apathy creeps in. How did I get to the point were I don’t care what his state is? I trick myself into believing that his state does not affect me, so I don’t care….. But it does, and HAS been affecting me for a very very long time. It just became Normal. Not Normal. But normal.
The outside world becomes ominous That is a dark definition but a valid one. My world shrinks to home, work, home, repeat. Quiet evenings on the couch with dogs cuddled around me. glass of wine in hand – most days more, watching mindless TV. Bed. Weekends filled with yard work, cutting grass, planting new flower beds and pretty much feeling as if I am totally productive. I am, but I have no interaction with other people. I smile and look at the work I have accomplished, I am proud of what I have done. I go inside, to quiet, he may or may not be sitting at his computer or on the couch by now so I pour myself a glass of wine and sit on the kitchen deck and watch the traffic on the corner. Normal. Not Normal.
Remember how I said that addiction sneaks up on you and rears its ugly head? Well that is what happened. You see, while I thought I was living my so called normal life it was about to take a turn. For worse or better whew knew? It started with a text from a friend while I was in Idaho visiting family after the death of my Aunt.
Quinn i have been up to your house fixing your TVs (what?, they were working when I left) He looks so yellow I almost cried!” WHAT? I show the text to my sister. I sit there and think? Where the hell have I been? What is he talking about? Has my apathy really progressed that far that I don’t even look at him? My heart sunk.
My mind is consumed with thoughts the rest of the day and while traveling home. Is he really yellow? If so, how the FN hell did I miss that? But, looking back, as I said, I would get home from work, he would already be on the couch, house not lit, hat pulled over his eyes and blankets wrapped around him so I didn’t notice because I didn’t see him. I mean really have a good look at him. It wasn’t until the next morning when I went downstairs to check on him and his back was to me in bed. Bright yellow. As yellow as yellow can be. I stood there in shock. Sadness, bewilderment, concern, every emotion you can imagine. I turned around and went upstairs and I knew. I just knew. Something must change. It needed to change now.
His mom gets involved and plans are made for her to come here. My heart is in my chest for the next couple of days not knowing how this will all go down. And then the day finally arrives. I can barely breath, I can barely motivate myself to do anything trying to deal with the anxiety of the unknown. What is going to happen? How will he take this? Will he be angry? Will he resist? Will there be confrontation? Mean words? Fighting?
I see the Cadillac round the corner and soon pull into the drive. With my heart in my throats and choked up, I walk to the couch where he had just sat down with a freshly poured drink and said, “I told you I would call you Mom, I did, and here she is” And she walks in the door.