GOD!

God oh God of God oh God!

I was scrolling through the photos on my phone and I cannot believe the number of Fat photos I have taken! WTF!? You know the ones I am talking about! You stand in front of your mirror, clothes on or not, I have both, and take the front photo, the side photo, the back photo of all of your curves and fat and proclaim, THIS IS THE DAY.

You firmly believe you are starting and these are you “before” photos. You know that down the road, you will take the “after’ photos of your new, amazing, sexy bod. FUCK. well I have a shit ton of the “before” photos. But, I don’t have one “after” photo. I have not followed through one time.

In fact in the past 15 years, I cannot remember one time that I have felt good about my weight or how I look. I avoid mirrors in public at all costs or I walk past them with my head down. I do not want to see myself.

I look terrible. I feel terrible. I am humiliated. We have all been in our homes, locked down due to the current COVID-19 Pandemic and it is so easy to use that as an excuse for my weight. It is not an excuse. I was fat and out of shape way before COVID. I looked terrible way before COVID. I felt terrible way before COVID.

I am sure there are a lot of factors both external and internal that play into this and I hope to get a handle on them. I need to for my sanity and my happiness. I am not happy right now and I don’t want to go out in public.

I feel like the sloth in the corner and no one should every look at because I am awful looking. Now I know there are those that read this, that will say that I am fat shaming. I am doing no such thing. Your journey is your journey and I have no right to judge at all how you look and feel about yourself.

All I can write about is how I feel about me and what I can do to make that feeling go away. Trust me drinking a box of wine (you heard me right) or eating that tub of ice cream is not going to help me tomorrow morning.

Im sick of it. I am done. I am tired of my business coach asking me on my coaching call if I have set up an appointment with my previous trainer to get back in shape. I am tired of the excuse that I am so busy, or I will call him before my next coaching call.

I took the leap of faith and reached out to him on Facebook and asked if he was taking on new clients during the pandemic. I waited. I didn’t hear. I sorta lost hope. But then, he messaged me back and apologized that he had not seen my message and of course he was taking new clients and told me he was excited to work with me again. I breathed a sigh of relief. I am going to get back on track. I have been 3 times to the gym now and 3 times i have been introduced to familiar parts of my body in the form of sore muscles. but DAYAM, it hurts so good. That is the feeling of progression.

And I feel I am on the right track. I am not drinking. OK, it has only been 3 days, but still. I am not drinking. and I have started to order low carb meals through a company that delivers them pre – made to my door every Tuesday. since they came on Tuesday, i have eaten two of them and they are good. FYI, today is Wednesday. 1 + 1 = 2.

I am committed and I am going to bring you along on this journey. support me please? 🙂