Another trip around the sun in a year that no one ever thought would fucking happen. I believe, it is safe to say, the year 2020 took us all by surprise and will go down in the record books as the WTF Year. This year has proved to be that truly, to quote our fucking President “it is, what it is.” year.

It is what it is, and it has been a fucking doozy! So many unfortunate things have happened to so many good people during this year. Is it  because of the Pandemic, who is to say? Maybe it’s because of the Pandemic, more people are talking about all the unfortunate things that have happened to them this year than they would if it had NOT been a Pandemic year. I mean come on, bad things happen all the time. My fucking basement flooded for gods sake.

Regardless, This year has not been my favorite. I am stuck at home, I have gained more weight than I already had. I cant socialize with friends ( only in small gatherings, masked up, and 6 feet apart) I get it I get it. I’m not bitching about that.

It is just that this year i have felt more isolated than I have in years past. Those were of my choosing. I would say it is because I have 5 dogs and it is hard to go out. Or I would say I couldn’t be out very long because of the dogs. Or I am just too busy. Or the best one, Kerry is drunk, and there is just no way we can get out. These are all excuses, some more true than others, but excuses. Unfortunately, it pushed a lot of friends away. Sad. I take responsibility for that.

Lately, I have been down. I have been feeling super alone. When you are isolated in your home, working all day and the only time you get up from your desk is to let the dogs out or eat or pee it makes for a long day. Top that off with shutting the computer down, doing what chores need to be done around the house including letting the dogs out, then sitting down and watching some TV, letting the dogs out some more, before finally going to bed.

This morning, I was scrolling through Instagram and I came across a video clip from famed self help guru, Mel Robbins. The caption of the video clip stated. “Feeling bad about yourself? What this IMMEDIATELY” I did. And I am glad that I took the time to click PLAY and listen to what Mel had to say.

The biggest point she made is that  THIS IS TEMPORARY. She repeats this Mantra every day during the pandemic. I am going to follow her example. She states in the video clip that what ever we are facing, a bad day, a bad year, a bad situation, it will pass. As you go through these things and experience these things you get stronger. As you get stronger, life gets easier. It is what I needed to hear this year.

So, back to the reason why this is my Birthday Month. I have hated my birthday ever since I turned 50 and I blamed it on Kerry. I planned and executed the most amazing party for Kerry. It was full of surprises, fun, food, friends, and family. It was expensive. But it was his 50th and it was worth it. Four years later, I turned 50 and this is where things go south.

Kerry was a full blown Alcoholic by this time. I would come home from work and he would already be so drunk that he is passed out in bed and I would not see him all evening long. or if I did see him, it was to come up the stairs, pour himself another drink, and pass out again. So, when it came to planning me a party, it was lame, and I was mad. Invites did go out to friends, but then they heard nothing, and I heard through the grapevine that they were all texting each other wondering if the party was going to happen or if they should just take it over.

The party actually happened, barely. I remember being at work that day and not wanting to go home because I had that much anger built up. He did the best he could, but I have held on to that anger and it has bubbled up every year. NOT THIS FUCKING YEAR! While the birthdays did not improve, last year, he was working on a house and didn’t even call me or text me to wish me a happy birthday. I took that as a huge sign that the “end” was near.

This year though, even though we are in a Pandemic, I want to celebrate. I want to celebrate in small ways. A lunch, A dinner, A phone call. I choose to make this happen. I choose to take back my birthday. I choose to be happy about it. I choose not to be lonely. I choose!