I have been trying to figure out how to start this post in my blog. A lot of pain, tears, depression, sadness, happiness, excitement, anger, all the feels have been felt since August 2022.

One evening August 15, 2022 I was cuddled up on my couch in my pajamas with all 5 of my dogs. This is my regular routine every week night and most weekends. I received an accusatory text from Kerry raging about a profile I have kept on scruff. He was super angry and said he was unhappy and wanted to call it quits. His words, “I’m fucking done.”

I originally thought about calming the situation. But I thought long and hard and my gut said, “I’m fucking done too.” I didn’t argue and things ended. I actually have not seen Kerry face to face or even in a photo since that time.

in the days after, every time I got a text or a threatening email from him, my heart would be in my chest. it would upend my day. May 2023 would have been the 25 year mark of our relationship. I hate to say that it was probably about 15 years too long. it makes me sad. As I was looking at my text to get the date he called it quits with me, my heart was in my chest. I am not in the habit of dwelling on past negative experiences.

Our relationship was rocky and I feel bad for the friends we dragged through our issues. it was never pleasant. So why did I hold on? I wish I had the answer to that. I could say, “I am not a quitter.” That is not a good reason. I did not give up. I do not regret any of that. it did take a toll on me, emotionally, physically, and mentally. I am now dealing with the aftermath of those decisions.

Over the past 8 months, I have been through a lot. The breakup was not angry nor was their violence like I expected from his oldest brother Scott. I put up a shit ton of ring monitors. in fact the actual negotiation of the end of our relationship took less than a day. We did get attorneys and through email they settled everything. I was shocked out quickly it all wrapped up.

I remember sitting down on the front porch, my head in my hands and crying. Why? because you don’t forget nearly 25 years just like that. I knew I was over this relationship by my reaction and emotions vs. how I reacted in previous breakups with Kerry. I would obsess. I would not eat. I would not sleep. This time, none of that happened. I slept like a baby. I was calm, and I kept on going as if nothing was happening. I knew I was ready.

But, like I say, you don’t forget 25 years in the blink of an eye. There were days and evenings while sitting on the couch where I would miss Kerry. I would think about him and still do. Don’t get me wrong. I wonder what he is up to and how he is doing. he is sick and I worry about him. He has sorosis of the liver due to his drinking. His sickness has been a huge focus of our relationship in the past 10 years. with Rehab and a fuck ton of hospital stays.

My one hope is that his family is seeing what I have put up with and dealt with over the years. All of the hospital stays I did not get to share with them because Kerry would not allow me to share it with them.

Moving through all of these emotions have been difficult and I have struggled. I want to bring this to light and I move forward with my life as a single guy and what I am going through.