Have you ever had those moments when you feel like everyone else is looking at you and judging you? Have you felt not good enough? Have you felt not handsome enough or good looking? Have you felt down right fat and ugly? This happens to me more often than not.

The other day I was sitting in my office with a co-worker going over her loan and was completely self conscious the entire time. I had this overwhelming, self deprecating feeling of fatness and ugliness. It was literally hard for me to focus on our conversation. And I needed to be present!

I have been in meetings or out in public and feeling utterly humiliated because I believe people are judging me for the way I look. I totally get insecure and want to hide. It actually makes me intimidated by others.  It may even boarder on resenting others for how they look.

God it feels like the story of my life. I have had this “Love-Hate” mostly hate relationship with my weight, my body, my looks for as long as I can remember. UGH Now that I am over 50 it is even more pronounced. For the past 10 years at least, I have been in fat mode. At least fat for me. I need to lose 30 pounds. I weighed in at my heaviest in March 222.3 LBS. YIKES! I kept looking at the scale and asking myself, “How in the Sam Hell did this happen?

Now don’t get me wrong, I have dieted like a boss through out this entire 10 year period. It is not for lack of trying. I Yo-yo. my weight goes up, my weight comes down. It has been a constant cycle. I have actually been on this cycle my whole life. There are at least three other times that I mark as my heaviest. The first was 8th grade, the second was my senior year in college, and the third, was when I was working at Novell in my early 30s. Each time, i would wear my fat clothes – you know those Tommy Bahama style shirts that old men wear. Every single time I see one, I want to cringe because that is my “fat” shirt.

Each of these times took a traumatic event to shake me and force me to lose weight. The last such time was while working at Novell.

Kerry and I had purchased our first flip house. As we were flipping it, we met the neighbors. They seemed to be a very nice gay couple who were fixing up the house next to ours. We became friends and eventually had invited them over to our house to get to know them better and have dinner. Kerry cooked a great dinner. I remember we had steak. I was sitting at the head of the table and as we were eating and having great conversation, the British one (funny I cant even remember his name) asked a question.

“Quinn, do you have any pictures of when you used to be “THE SHIT?” I have a friend who told me all about how good looking you used to be, and I just don’t see it”

You would have heard a fucking pin drop from miles away. I was mortified and shocked beyond belief. It was all I could do to make it through the rest of the dinner with a smile on my face. Trust me, I drank a lot of fucking wine to get through the evening. I was on a mission the next day and l lost the weight, but obviously, the memory of that most horrific moment has remained with me. I have someone let it define me. I still try to find that moment when I even thought I may have been “The shit.”

Like I said, I have Yo-yo’d a lot over the years. At one point I got in really good shape. I had a trainer around 2007 and Damn did I look good. But, life happened and eventually I made it back to my fat mode. and I have struggled to get out of it. It is so much harder as you get older to drop those pounds. Trust me, I know.

It has been so long since I have wanted to buy clothes. In fact, a lot of my jeans are now starting to get holes in them because I don’t want to buy new pants. I wear these shirts that cover up my fat. I don’t dress the way I want to at work because I am so fearful of how I will look. Believe it or not, I hate to take photos of myself. AND THE WORST! I hate to look in mirrors.

Now I am good looking in the mirror in the morning. I think it does a pretty good job of lying to me. But, I avoid mirrors out in public at all cost. I refuse to look in them. I refuse to even stand by them. This phobia has been years in the making. I can remember as far back as junior high not wanting to look in mirrors. UGH.

This needs to stop! I am so tired of shaming myself. So tired of the negative thoughts I think about myself. As I have been reading all of these self help books the past couple of years, I realize that my own attitude has contributed greatly to my habits and my lack of success at losing weight. I have learned \the only thing that is stopping me……is me!

I can give every excuse in the world, but they are still just excuses and reasons for ME not to do what needs to be done. It is time for me to get back to a positively imaged ME! I tell you this because this is going to be a journey about me getting back to a positive image. Kerry and I have a nutritionist who is going to get Kerry on a great path to health and wellness. We are doing this for his diabetes and I am doing it obviously to learn to manage my diet and lose weight. Eventually I am going to hire a trainer again and get this Dad bod into a rockin DAD BOD! I am going to talk about it. Learn from it. Experience all of it. And yes, write about it. I welcome input, feedback, comments,

I know there are other men out there that feel the same! I would love to hear from you! The good, the bad, the ugly..