Thirty days
That may seem like a long time to some people and I am sure for Kerry it felt very long! When I would talk to him on the phone during is approved phone calls, he would tell me about his experiences and always say that he cannot wait to get home. I on the other hand could wait.
I could wait for as long as it took for all of us to be sure Kerry was going to get better and we were sure recovery was working. I think it is part of that control issue I have. I would grill him on the phone about what he had learned, how he felt, and how HE thought recovery was going.
If you know Kerry, you know that answers and comments are short and not very elaborate when it comes to this type of thing. Kerry has the innate ability to make you feel like his best friend from the time you first meet him. He can tell a good story with the best of them. But, when it comes to talking about hard stuff, deep stuff, emotional stuff, It’s like squeezing water from a turnip. No can do!
So back to waiting. I am not going to lie when I say that I was worried sick about him coming home. As a realtor, Kerry works from home and so he would be right back in this house with all of the same surroundings and triggers he had before. He said that one of his main causes for his spiral in to alcoholism was boredom. I was trying to get from him on those phone calls what his plans were or what techniques he was learning that would help him combat or overcome his boredom and keep him sober. I got nothin. So I was raising red flags to the people that worked there. I have been doing everything short of jumping up and down, scream and gnashing my teeth in their building.
That is when an awesome person reached out to me. She was the head of family programming for the center. It was her responsibility to educate family members, partners, and spouses on the journey their family member were on while in recovery. I learned from her that most times, the family member doesn’t know what to say because they are still processing information themselves. (insert Ah HA moment here) That made sense to me and calmed my fears a ton. I was able to talk openly with her about my relationship with Kerry, things I was concerned about, what I should and could expect about life after recovery. I started to calm down.
I explained to her that I felt like I was going to be given a brand new baby with special needs but no manual or instruction on how to take care of this baby. I was full on melting down, daily. At night, I would obsess about this. I had no clue what to do and that control freak personality flaw I have would take over and cause me all sorts of grief. But our family programming counselor relieved a lot of that worry and stress. The one thing I learned and have kept with me is:
The only thing you can control is Yourself!
Mind blown!
She was so right! Here I had been trying to control the outcome of this situation and after learning this important lesson, I accepted that there was no way on God’s green earth that controlling the whole situation was going to be possible. WOW. That was a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders! I then started to focus on how I would react to this situation. I was reminded that Kerry is a 54 year old grown ass man with his own mind and only He could control how he reacted to his surroundings. I could not keep him from taking another drink, even though it was poison to his body. I couldn’t stop him from driving to the liquor store and buying that bottle of vodka, if he wanted it. I could not be with him 24/7 to hover over him. I could not!
In a book a recently read called “The subtle art of Not Giving a Fuck” by Mark Manson, he said just that: We are not responsible for the situations that happen in our lives, but we are responsible for how we REACT to those situations in our lives. Fair enough. point taken, well said! Now to internalize that and practice it.
We met as a huge group one day at the center. It was people who were in recovery and their family or partner. It lasted all day and walked us through a lot of information and emotions. Once couple even got into a full on fight and ended up in couples therapy for most of the day. Talk about needing a bowl of popcorn, just to watch the fireworks when i happened.
During one session, Our Family programming counselor, put tape on the ground in the form of the pentagram above and wrote the descriptions for each point on the star. She called me up and had me stand at each point and describe out I felt in each situation.
Naked, raw, vulnerable, was how I felt. Uncomfortable was how I felt. Exposed was how I felt. She walked me through the emotions and feelings at each point. Sometime those feelings didn’t feel so good! I welled up with tears. And at the end of the day when she was “bringing me home” for the big finale i choked up and and said, “Really, all I want is the truth”
I think it was a worthwhile exercise and i think we all learned a lot. Guess who was the one that participated and spoke up the most? KERRY! WHAT THE F*CK! The facilitators would ask questions and want input and Kerry was always one of the first to speak up and give his “2 cents” The first time he did it, I turned and looked at him as if I had an alien sitting next to me.
Maybe this will be OK afterall. 🙂